Real Life

Wish You Were Here

“I’d given talks for years about how when it comes to grieving, the culture lies—you really do not get over the biggest losses, you don’t pass through grief in any organized way, and it takes years and infinitely more tears than people want to allot you. Yet the gift of grief is incalculable, in giving you back to yourself.” — Anne Lamott

Last week, I was writing at a local coffee shop, sipping coffee, and in the background, a local artist was playing live music. He started singing a rendition of Wish You Were Here, and as he sang tears welled up in my eyes because the song made me think of my step-dad, Mahlon, and I wish he was still here. 

Today—June 10, 2018—marks the 6th anniversary of Mahlon’s death and over the past few weeks, I’ve been reflecting on love, loss, beginnings, and endings. Part of my reflection process included journaling sessions. I also went through my blog archive and reviewed some of the posts I wrote about Mahlon while he was ill and after he died. 

Since Mahlon died, I've tried to write various books about loss, resilience, and how grief impacted my life. For example, I wrote a book proposal about resilience and loss in 2013 (which was rejected by dozens of publishers), and I tried to write a memoir about love and loss in 2014. I stopped writing the memoir because the stories were still too raw and painful.

Over the years, I've continued to journal about love, loss, and why it’s important to talk about dying and death. Despite all the writing, a book idea has not gelled, and that's okay. Some topics take longer to compost, and there are also some facets of my life that I'll probably never share in a public forum.

Like Anne Lamott noted in Stitches, I don’t think it’s possible to get over big losses. Writing and photography helped me cope with Mahlon’s death. Yet Missing Mahlon—and the gratitude I feel for our relationship—will never change.

With gratitude,

Tammy

PS: If you’re struggling with grief, illness, or want to learn how to talk about dying and death more openly, I’d suggest exploring the following resources: 

Audio

Books

Five Quick Thoughts on Migrating a Website ...

Technology has been on my mind for the last month because I’ve moved to a new digital home.

Below are five thoughts about my recent website migration in no particular order.

1. Ask for help. 

Moving my website from WordPress to Squarespace wouldn't have been possible without my brother-in-law's amazing tech skills. Asking for help can feel vulnerable and difficult, but being vulnerable is essential to living a good life.

2. It’s okay to delete or un-publish content online. 

I've meant to prune the content on my website for the past two years, and this migration was the perfect opportunity to do so. Last weekend, I spent Friday through Sunday reviewing my blog archive, formatting older posts, and deleting or un-publishing posts from the blog. I reviewed over 900 posts in my archive, and that was only the tip of the content iceberg. I'm astounded by the amount of content I've shared online over the past ten years.

3. Reviewing your body of work is a good idea.  

I uncovered interesting themes and details while reviewing my blog archive, like:

  • Blogging is a tool that I've been passionate about for over ten years.

  • Photography is a huge part of my work.

  • I'm good at finding, curating, and sharing articles and books.

4. RowdyKittens.com is my home online.

Big social media platforms come and go, and there's a lot to be said for cultivating a digital home on the open web. Also, maintaining my website has given me useful skills and a deeper understanding of how the Internet works. This approach reminds me of a quote from Alan Jacobs's recent essay—Tending the Digital Commons: A Small Ethics toward the Future.

Jacobs said:

“ ... I think every young person who regularly uses a computer should learn the following:

how to choose a domain name

how to buy a domain

how to choose a good domain name provider

how to choose a good website-hosting service

how to find a good free text editor

how to transfer files to and from a server

how to write basic HTML, including links to CSS (Cascading Style Sheet) files

how to find free CSS templates

how to fiddle around in those templates to adjust them to your satisfaction

how to do basic photograph editing

how to cite your sources and link to the originals

how to use social media to share what you’ve created on your own turf rather than create within a walled factory

One could add considerably to this list, but these, I believe, are the rudimentary skills that should be possessed by anyone who wants to be a responsible citizen of the open Web—and not to be confined to living on the bounty of the digital headmasters.

There is, of course, no way to be completely independent online, either as an individual or a community: This is life on the grid, not off. Which means that anyone who learns the skills listed above—and even those who go well beyond such skills and host their websites on their own servers, while producing electricity on their own wind farms—will nevertheless need an Internet service provider. I am not speaking here of complete digital independence, but, rather, independence from the power of the walled factories and their owners.”

Also, the skills Jacobs listed above can be learned by anyone—regardless of age. I have about three-quarters of the skills Jacobs listed in my toolbox, and still, have plenty to learn.

5. You’re allowed to change your mind. For example, it’s okay to switch content management systems, publish short blog posts on a variety of different topics, and more. Don’t limit your creative output to a single medium or niche. 

Why I'm Breaking Up with Social Media

I’m breaking up with all things social media – which includes Facebook, Instagram, WhatsApp, and Twitter. 

Here’s why: 

1.    Social media is a distraction from my creative work and other life pursuits.

2.    I have major concerns with how Facebook collects and uses data.

3.    Instagram – acquired by Facebook in 2012 – no longer brings me joy. That’s a direct result of the algorithm, advertising, and their data tracking practices. 

Moving forward, I won’t share my creative work on Facebook’s platforms or Twitter. 

Instead, here’s where you can find my photography and writing online:  

1. RowdyKittens.com—is my home base online; it’s where I’ll share my daily writings and photos. You can subscribe via email or RSS.

2. Books, courses, and freelance articles. I’ll announce new projects on my blog!

As a company of one, my creative energy and time are limited, and breaking with social media is in my best interest. Maybe I’ll get back together with Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter in the future, but as of this writing, using social media doesn’t foster focus or happiness in my personal and professional life.

I’ll leave you with this quote by Derek Sivers:

" ... But the more I thought about it, the less I liked my implied support. I’m sick of being insincere. I’m against centralized platforms. I strongly prefer a decentralized internet

Maybe the fact that I use Facebook to share my blog posts is a tiny tiny reason why others are still using it ... Maybe if I quit going entirely, it will help my friends quit, too.

I’ve snapped out of the silly fear that people won’t find me if I’m not there. If they care at all, they’ll find me."

PS: I recommend reading the following articles: